Skip to main content

The Mystery


A wise person once told me that it’s important to spread confusion, not to eliminate it. That’s why I decided to write this post, instead of doing some real investigation about what’s confusing me.

Happiness is confusing. And a little scary. Especially when you can’t pinpoint the exact source, and the shelf life is longer than a few beer infested hours, you begin to wonder what’s brought on this unfamiliar feeling – where even the bitch of a ride to work doesn’t get you down. And you spend the entire day staring at a beat up old computer screen doing something not very phenomenal, go home to an empty house and eat a vegetarian dinner alone in front of a non flat screen TV watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy. And still feel optimistic while climbing into bed.

And though my state doesn’t quantify as ‘euphoric’, I’m still pretty worried about this needless, causeless positivity. It’s most unlike me. I’m someone who loves to fret – about the future, and getting fat, and losing my teeth, and just about anything. I also genuinely love to complain. I enjoy cribbing, and it can be about my love life or the economy. It doesn’t really matter. That’s not to say I’m a pessimist or a wet blanket. I love to have fun. Just not all the time. But peace of mind, that’s something I’m not used to, especially if it doesn’t come on the back of an accomplishment.

So what could it be?

It’s not my friends. I mean, of course I love them, and hopefully vice versa, but nothing has really changed to cause a spike in the meter reading. It’s true that one is back home after a year, but another has just left. The others are constants in the equation.

Its most definitely not love. My love life (if it even qualifies to be called that) is as DOA as ever, with a Prince, Charming or otherwise, conspicuous only by his absence.

It’s not likely to be happy hormones. Those are released when you exercise and I haven’t moved my every expanding butt to burn some calories for over a month. I’ve also just recovered from a week of non-life threatening illness, which only left me with more work to catch up on and no sense of victory for having survived.

Could it be the job? But that’s been constant for over a year now. If anything, I should be overwhelmed at this point, and anxious about the daunting task ahead. But it still doesn’t seem to be enough to pour water over the vague mood of positivity that I am wallowing in. Maybe I’m looking forward to the challenge?

That leaves family. My big bro is finally getting married soon! At the risk of sounding more like a mother than a sister, I will own up to the fact that I’ve been waiting a long time for this. But he’s been engaged a few months now, and the wedding is still far away, so it really can’t be the root cause.

So why? Why am I happy?

“Sanity and happiness is an impossible combination” – Mark Twain

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Adulting?

Several months after turning 30, after over a decade of being able to vote, drive and consume alcohol (except in Maharashtra, where I’ve been legally drinking only since the past 5 years!), I can say I feel like an adult. However, before you jump to conclusions - this post isn’t going to be a rant about the dark side of adulting – the endless chores, bills and to-do lists.
(I’ll save that for a post about the privileges of moving to a “developed” country, i.e. where one is confronted daily with classic cases of choice overload. Choices are abundant e.g. disposing of garbage into the appropriate bin, which of the myriad of highly specific Sunday-quiet day laws to break, what obscure cycling-traffic rules to ignore, and the like.)
Adulting came to me in a big bundle, which is why I am so aware of it having arrived. The same time that I turned 30, I started to work at the organisation I had set my sights on years ago. I also moved to my very own little apartment, in a small (by my standa…

Das ist Berlin

Wenn man sich schön macht, auch wenn’s hässlich ist – Berlin, Berlin, Berlin Und wenn Stefan plötzlich Steffi ist – Berlin, Berlin, Berlin Wenn das alles geht und du dich fragst, wie das zusammenpasst. Das ist Berlin, Berlin, Berlin – Berlin, Berlin, Berlin
I’ve returned from a journey. A long, exhausting, exciting, amazing 6-month long trip.
I started at Tegel airport. It’s where I landed to try and conquer the interview and the big, not so bad city of Berlin. In the beginning, the plan was to put one foot in front of the other, slowly, surely.
U-Bhf Seestr. From the airport to Seestrasse, which would eventually become my house for a few months. Not a home, but a good-sized house, shared with people who made me dread climbing those 4 flights of stairs. Its fair to say that I got off to a lukewarm start on my journey through Berlin.
U-Bhf Oranienburger Tor. Auguststrasse. As I walked around this neighbourhood, I could feel the creativity brimming through the dilapidated walls. August…