The easiest way to describe what’s underneath the calm watery surface of this dam is to list all the little rivulets of emotions flowing in from various directions.
At the very top of the emotional pyramid, is complete peace and contentment.
I have everything I need to be comfortable right now, the most important being
time and energy. Many of my days consist primarily of working out, napping,
cooking, seeing friends and reading. I can feel my burn out healing, I will
soon be ready to tackle this next chapter, which is sure to be challenging.
While there is a small part of me that is impatient, nay, eager to start, I am
enjoying every moment of this hiatus.
Below the surface though, saying goodbyes is heart-wrenching and
every new memory created comes with a tinge of longing and nostalgia. Whether it
is seeing off my closest friend at the train station, or playing with my
friends’ babies, each simple act now comes with so many emotions. It’s the river
of “the lasts”.
Over the past years while I struggled, I did not make the effort to connect
with acquaintances who had the potential to be good friends. This is in
character for me as I often find myself drained after being with people I don’t
know too well, but it also exacerbated my loneliness in Bonn, especially when I
was “stuck” here during Covid. But now, when I hang out these people, I see
that they are lovely, and we get along so well, and as a result there’s only
more people to miss when I’m gone. Quite a dichotomous dilemma.
Looking back at the past few years also makes me really bitter. The less
said about the understaffed, unempathetic and inefficient medical system, the
better. 1 botched surgery later, I have decided I would rather pay out of pocket
for Indian doctors to treat me, than operate under the whims and fancies of the
German medical practise.
The expensive at best, and unaffordable at worst (while being unemployed)
public transport system enrages me. I don’t understand the point of offering a
discounted “job ticket” to people who can afford it, while if you aren’t employed,
you can pay full price unreal rates, because basically where do you need to go,
you worthless piece of shit?! At least that has finally changed now in
the last 3 months, but I could have really used the new monthly ticket during
the past 4 years to freely visit my friends in Cologne without subtracting the
train ticket price from the grocery budget.
On that note, while I am happy to have gotten unemployment benefits in
the time I was job hunting, I have to question why it is that I struggled here so
long on multiple occasions to find a job, and even then was underpaid in spite
of being highly qualified and motivated, and whether its not best that I keep
control of my own income and savings rather being constantly kept in a state of
dependence by the socialist Government. When I did find a good enough job
after months of searching, I found out through a friendly HR that I wasn’t being
offered the same amount as my counterpart doing the same job. Why, I wonder? It
was a career move I’d have been forced to make if I wanted to stay on in
Germany, swallowing the discontent and hoping things get better. I’m ecstatic
that I finally could turn down an offer that wasn’t respecting me and my
skills. I’d have worked hard for the course of the contract duration, in all
likelihood to be told at the end sorry, we love your work but we can’t give you
a raise or a new contract. Its interesting to note that Germany is the country
in Europe with the lowest social mobility. It feels nearly impossible to climb
out of the social strata you are in, without generational wealth to give you a
leg up. Especially without being white, German by birth and male in my industry,
which relies more on soft skills than technical knowledge, so its easier to
discriminate and let biases affect decisions. Even some of the interviews I have
been in can pay testament to this. My favourite one where I was asked, as a
professional with an M.Sc. Sport Management and 12 years of experience, whether
I “know how football fans can be”.
Speaking of generational wealth, I have talked to friends in Bonn, and
all their landlords earn several buildings each. That’s in the range of 50+
flats each, and they only keep buying more. Meanwhile, as an average, even
double income household, it’s becoming more and more unaffordable to buy a flat
in a city – effectively your only choices are to live in suburbia on a 30-year
loan repayment plan or remain a slave to the f***ed up housing market situation
forever. Year on year, Germany is only building about ¼ of the housing they
need, compounding a crisis that’s already so bad that it takes up to 6 months
of obsessive (I mean being constantly online!) searching to find somewhere that
might meet about half of your basic criteria. Unless of course, you are
well-connected or have deep pockets, so boo-hoo to the expats and young people
trying to make it on their own. Then comes the question of tenants’ rights.
Theoretically, they are protected. Yet, when my landlady (the loosest
possible definition of a lady) started bullying me to pay for a huge repair bill,
I tried every avenue open to me to stand up to her. She even tried to scare me
by sending a court notice, causing me to have a full-fledged panic attack, and I
am proud to say I still did not give in. We fought this battle for over 3
years, but because I was struggling financially while trying to start a
business, or unemployed, there was no chance for me to be able to find a new
place and move out. So on top of everything, I had to deal with her threats,
insults and when I got upset, I was told by the various lawyers to “be less
emotional” and that “nothing can be done.” I saw that she treats other tenants better
if they are German or male, or didn’t ever question her bills. But when I reached
out to the Government organisations tasked with dealing with issues like racism,
I did not even get a response to my request for an appointment.
In the end, after 3 years of intense emotional distress fighting her, I had
to pay the bill when I moved out, because she simply had more power than me.
She still forced me illegally to paint the flat as well as deep clean it and I am
yet to see my deposit. None of this is to say that there aren’t assholes in
India, but I would have had more power and choice in a similar situation. I
would have been able to find another place and move out, find another job
sooner and move out, or I would have found some way to more effectively defend
my rights. I take solace however, that it’s a battle I fought hard, and lost. Not
every game will be won, so I walk away proud of myself for having had the balls
to stand and fight, knowing that there is a special place in hell reserved for cockroaches
like her.
Now that I am out of the black hole, I am retrospectively devastated at
how much of a toll on my mental and physical health 2019 - 2022 have taken. I feel pride at how I dug
myself out of that hole, clawing my way with every (healthy and unhealthy) tool
I could find, be it therapy, friendship, family, vision boards, manifesting, meditation,
overeating, binge-watching B99, too much wine and G&Ts. I now feel apprehension,
hope and excitement at what the future holds, both personally and
professionally.
My brother once said to me many years ago while he contemplated and then decided against moving
to Norway, “why should I move to another country to live like a 2nd
class citizen, when I can live as a 1st class citizen in my own
country”. Personally, the professional market, housing situation, medical treatment,
ease of living, social mobility, and micro-aggressions outweigh the cons in
India - the poor air quality and other problems that I am sure await me. At the
very least I will closer to my family while cursing the lack of work-life
balance and “Ordnung”. I am filled with gratitude for the time I have had in
Germany to learn and grow. Berlin and Köln, you will always be special for me. Bonn,
I will forever love to hate you.
I flow, I feel, I’m free now
Smoothing roughness along the way
Forging a path unhurriedly
Yet able to make great changes to my course when the
time comes.
I have no regrets, and, as Oasis wisely put it –
“Don’t look back in anger,
… at least not today”.
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