Here

 

A new friend recently said, “when people who have lived abroad say ‘here’, they mean India, but when I say it, I mean Ahmedabad vs Mumbai. In that moment it seemed like the usual random nonsense someone high on Diwali vacation vibes + weed might say. But as I think more closely, there is a grain of wisdom hiding behind the benignity. Our outlook is defined by the exposure we have gotten, either gathered through travel, movies, discussions, upbringing or simply by living among people whose world view is different from our own.

When I decided to move back, I was prepared for the physical differences of living in India vs Europe, I knew it would be hot, crowded and loud, people would be unpunctual, and that would get on my nerves. I think I was partially unprepared for how difficult it would be fit in emotionally. Before I left, I did often feel like a misfit or a rebel, sometimes being Bengali in a pretty Marathi city, but largely due to my experiences at a rigid and unwelcoming school. Having left that experience 20+ years behind, and worked in a field that often encourages risk taking behaviour, I did not anticipate how much moving back to India, Gujarat and to my first “corporate” job would make me feel constricted, and like that child back in school.

At work I struggled with the hierarchical structures, addressing people with honorifics and even archaic (to me) customs like standing when bureaucrats enter the room. It felt like being in a period piece, minus the fluffy dresses. Likewise, my colleagues seemed to be unable to grasp why someone would not just hire a cook rather than meal prep and hence eat “baasi” stale food in the week. With a mum who worked a 6-day week, eating from the fridge was never a foreign concept for me, but for these kids, whose mother often made them fresh parathas for breakfast, it seems to be a crime on humanity. I got rapidly tired of probing questions about the ingredients and freshness of my bowl-lunches, as I simultaneously struggled to keep my thoughts on their carb heavy, oily lunches to myself.

At home, I was perturbed by the unexpected situations in which acquaintances found opportunities to comment on my body or my seemingly single status. From the waxing lady informing me she ran out of wax because my legs are so large! To the massage lady letting me know that I seemed to have become more “tight” or “loose” since the last time, I was rather taken aback that she did not even really understand the concept of muscles vs fat but seemed to think herself qualified to pass judgement on people’s body composition. The gym instructor tried to fat shame me post my dengue and holiday stint, I didn’t understand why, as I had already signed up with him. When I spoke to a couple of (male) friends about these incidents, I got some interesting points of view. The gym instructor is trying to “motivate” you and have you get more dependent on him. Ok, makes sense in a way that’s not working on me. The massage and parlour people though, brings us back to world views. Can I really be offended at them? I try to leave it at annoyance and move on, struggling to get back into a zen massage vibe after having been informed that I seem more chubby than last month. Dammit I can’t resist momos, just leave me be! And why I am unmarried or childless is also wholly my own business.

For a year, I struggled to feel like myself, facing these hurdles and ditches at every social interaction, being constantly reminded how much of a foreigner I felt like, even though I look and sound like everyone else. 10 years of my life were suddenly gone, every friendship I made, every comforting habit I cultivated, recipes I curated, all seemed like such a different world that it became hard to even dwell on them or connect to them in the busy life I was thrown into. So, I floated through the year untethered, except for occasional visits to Pune to see family, I felt like a balloon let loose but with nowhere to go or land.

1 year in, I finally got a chance to take a vacation. I had saved all my meagre holidays for this, and when I landed in SF and as I hugged my bestie at the airport and worried about whether her doggo remembered me, I felt the stress dropping away. Every day that I spent ‘there’ in the fresh air, surrounded by friends who have seen and accepted every side of me, their children and dogs following me from room to room, I remembered: Through endless debates about the pros and cons of living ‘here’ vs ‘there’ – why I moved back; through watching my friends make their lives whole – what my own priorities were; through being surrounded by love and laughter – what I wanted my own life to be; through living out my bucket list dream – how lucky I am. 

‘Here’ has its perks too. Since I started to invest in building the life I want, it has been so rewarding, or I just got lucky with the timing! I joined a board game group, where a guy gave me the number of another gamer who is my neighbour, who I met for coffee, who introduced me to 2 of his friends to play with. Somewhere along the way, I found people who I can be myself with, get meaty dinners and drunk with, go to the gym and play pickleball with and most recently also get an airport drop from. The last puzzle piece finally fits in, 14 months later, I remembered: this is peak India, this is why I moved back.

And while my evolving world view may slowly digress from childhood friends who have all taken different paths, it can also come closer to new friends. There will never be convergence that leads to an easy nostalgic comfort, but there can be curiosity and acceptance.