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When things fall apart


Every few years something happens in our lives that makes us lose hope completely. And I don’t mean something like a Lance Armstrong drug scam story – this is something that wrenches our heart apart.

Something that you hold so dear suddenly disappears in a cloud of black smoke. You realize it was never even yours to hold. You were the fool, to think you belonged, that you owned it. That it was yours. You come home, looking for solace, and you find it. But you have failed in the outside world. You forget all the great things lined up for you – with a shadow looming like a raincloud over everything you touch. As the candle is snubbed out, you are left groping in the darkness, for hope.

In my teen years I had no doubts about how to handle this - a good amount of self-pitying punk music, crying and leaning shamelessly on friends for support. I guess I wallowed, and that worked.

Everything seems so different a few years later. Music doesn’t seem to help the case, there’s only so much time anyone around you can spare you for listening to your problems.  I realize I have to rely on myself to get out of this feeling of rut. And for me, that began with total and complete self-pity and depression. But with a twist – it’s time-bound, and after my allocated one day was over, I forced myself to try & make better use of my time, while healing. A to-do list later, I felt much better about myself.

A few days later it’s time for self analysis, always beginning with self-doubt. Did I do the right thing?

I think it’s easier to be someone who doesn’t have too many morals, expectations or issues. These guys just seem to float through life, because they aren’t bothered by much. I’ve often tried & wished I could be like that, and I must admit I have failed miserably. I can’t seem to be one of those people who react to injustice with platitude. I instead step on the mad dog’s tail, or poke the sleeping dragon right in the eye. And when all hell breaks loose, there I am right in the vanguard, fighting tooth & nail.

And hell, if I’m killed, I can say in my last breath that I fought with my heart. At least, that’s what I believe right now. That’s what I have to believe. Because there’s no other way, and we can’t change who we are. We can only embrace it with all our hearts, because that’s our only chance at being happy.  

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