Tipping scales

As soon as the job hunt and visa struggle showed signs of ending, the immediate feeling that set in after a year of grappling with these hurdles wasn’t, as I expected, relief and happiness. Strangely, its boredom. Having an immediate problem to solve, something urgent with an inflexible deadline was so stressful that it took all my mental capacity to deal with. Ideating not 1 but 2 businesses, while dealing with fluctuating pandemic anxieties in 2 home countries has been a journey. The strange part is that though the journey in its entirety has been an uphill battle, the daily snippets are boring.

When we read the success stories, we read about the highs and lows. But I am beginning to ask myself if that’s really where the difference between success and mediocrity lies. Or is it in the repetitive tasks, the mundane, steadily checking off the admin chores? The middle. 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert? Is that really what it takes? Is that all it takes? Or are short bursts of bright sparks enough to light a large enough fire and keep it burning?

I’ve never liked the idea of long-distance running. Obviously admitting that I don’t even come close to having the physical endurance anymore, but even the mind set is something I probably never possessed. I always think of myself as a sprinter – I do well with short bursts of energy where I go more than all out, give 110%. It doesn’t mean I don’t like to plan in advance, or that I work well only under pressure. I think it just means that I like to be presented with new challenges often, and I need to take a break between them.

Covid doesn’t really give us a break. It’s been one crisis after another, all sitting amidst a mega-crisis, since the beginning of 2020. I feel like I will lose my mind with impatience over things I can’t control. I want to explode because it seems like the only way to get rid of all the pent-up frustration. For someone who has never been a fundamentally jealous person, I find the ugly feeling rising in me when I hear that others have received their vaccines while I am no closer to mine. To be clear though, its not the jealousy of a kind where I begrudge it for them, rather that I want it too, so very badly. More than just the vaccine, I desperately want Covid to “end”. It doesn’t feel like it ever will. For someone who thrives in tight friendships rather than loosely knit large groups, someone who loved simply coming home to my couch after a day at work, someone who loved lounging with my partner rather than running to a festival, and someone who loves to cook and feed rather than go to restaurants, in the beginning these “superficial” Covid imposed constraints didn’t bother me that much. It was more challenging dealing with constant low-level anxiety of getting infected. 

But now, the desperation for a change of scene is peaking. More than anything, I want to swim again. I want to be able to see my friends without the stress of who they have seen before me. I’m not even a major hugger but I miss hugging them. I want to jump into a train to Cologne or a flight to anywhere that’s not Bonn. Instead, I get to obsessively stare at my houseplants to look for signs of growth. I am inordinately excited at “redecorating” by turning 1 table around by 90 degrees in my home. Every day seems to blend into the next one, and the next one. My mood varies with the weather, because everything else is constant. I find it hard to be motivated, to use my time productively and to kick start my ideas. I am more bored than I ever remember being. It feels like boredom that a holiday won’t keep at bay for long, neither will a good book or new series. Even a good biryani didn’t help! It feels like the kind of boredom where my brain cells slowly lose the will to create, to produce or to live.

Considering the situation in India, and the vast number of people struggling to simply live, to exist even, in dire conditions, boredom is a luxury. It’s true privilege, in that those who have it will rarely appreciate its value. This pandemic is definitely a long-distance race, and we are incredibly lucky if we are still in it. But maybe its valid to accept that every now and then, grief, helplessness, impatience, fear, anxiety and exhaustion outweigh the gratitude.  Fatigue tips the scales.