When I was a little kid, I used to drop a coin
to the bottom of the swimming pool, then dive down 10ft to retrieve it. It was exhilarating,
it was so quiet, and it was just me against the water. It scared my mum though,
and she made it promise not to do it anymore. And I never have, until earlier
this year when I decided to make the
plunge and uproot my entire life, again, and move back to India. It was a move I’d
been contemplating for a while, but it’s a scary one. India has changed in 9 years;
my friends have moved away and everything runs on Paytm.
Moving is always stressful, and this one just checked
all the boxes. Administrative delays? Check. Uncertainty and insecurities? Done.
Nasty landlord to deal with? We gotcha. I did have a few great friends who made
everything better. I spent the last months before moving back home just recovering
from what I can now see was extreme burnout. Turns out, trying to work part
time to pay bills while starting 2 businesses in the middle of an economic
downturn isn’t a great idea! It was a good attempt though, but its not for me. Once
I knew the move coming, everything slowed down. I spent some time and effort
organising the move. Other than that though, for a couple of months my routine
was to hit the gym in the late mornings, nap in the afternoon to recover from a
hard workout, and see a friend in the evening. I read a lot and watched a lot
of TV. I enjoyed my own company, made the most of my time with friends, and
rebuilt my mental and physical health. Its what has sustained me in the last 2
months since I’ve landed in India.
After I painted! and finally gave up my
apartment to my witch ex-landlord, I decided spontaneously to finally visit my
Besties in the Bay. I’d put this off for a couple of years, partly because of
it being expensive, but also partly because I didn’t think I deserved a
holiday. Being in therapy for half a year didn’t teach me as much as I’d have
expected, but it did teach me that I am very hard on myself when I’m down,
making it much more difficult for myself to get back up. The last-minute ticket
cost me an arm and half a leg, I spent half the holiday having and spreading
Covid, having a midnight poison ivy scare, yet it was the best decision ever!
We managed to squeeze in a mini road trip to Josemite Yosemite, ate some
great food, hung out a lot on the couch and generally recharged my batteries
before a super stressful move. I made a new doggy friend and finally got to
meet my oldest friend’s mini-me. By the time I got back to Germany, my
paperwork had arrived and it was time to go go! I had 4 days to finish sorting,
packing, weighing, sealing and shipping 15 cartons of stuff accumulated over
the years. After some heavy goodbyes and one unnecessarily terrifying
rollercoaster ride, it was time to board that flight.
The move on this side wasn’t easy either. We didn’t
know a soul in Ahmedabad, the housing agent we hired was sleazy, my boxes were
untraceable for weeks, the on-boarding at work was chaotic and the weather was
exhausting. Joining a big 4 consulting company, working on my dream project,
back in India, leading a team, new to the city of Ahmedabad, finding a house,
setting up a home, long-distance calls, its all been a whirlwind 2 months.
Now, it’s hard to define what I feel, sometimes
I feel perfectly content and at home. At other times, I am quite suddenly
extremely annoyed at the challenges of being in India. My pet peeve is definitely
the noise. Life in India tends to be very loud. There’s just a lot of
construction, festivals, traffic horns, loud neighbours, and there is no Nachtruhe
or Sonntagsruhe (the Government mandated daily and weekly quiet hours in
Germany). There are even way too many phone notifications.
The start at the new job was by far the most
stressful and hectic switch I have ever made. I don’t know if it’s the change
in work culture, lifestyle, the higher position, the newness of the consulting
world, but for the first 6 weeks, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Week
7 has been manageable, but I am cautious that it might have just been an anomaly. I realise I am learning and growing at an incredible rate, and while I am trying to give myself time, I see I need to be kinder and more patient to myself and others around me.
Mightily weighing down the pros side of the
scale though has been the support system, my parents did more for the move here
than me. Last week I got to be back at Durga Puja after 9 long years. In the
first few moments, I felt almost awkward and a little out of place. It didn’t help
that some unknown aunty came up to the family food stall and joked that no one
recognised me here, they only know my sis-in-law. Ha ha, your joke is as hilarious
as your sari, aunty! The next day however wiped that thought out of my mind. Standing
for the morning Anjali with my dad, laughing at the inadvertent antics of the ‘Puruthmoshai’
leading the prayers, appreciating the same ‘dhaki’ rhythms that have been
played for generations made me feel right back at home in the pujo pandal. Serving
bhog to hungry, greedy Bongs, with my brother on duty too nearby, knowing that
mum and sis-in-law have been involved in cooking it all morning… it’s a feeling
of belonging unmatched by any other celebration.
I’m back now in Ahmedabad, nay, Shantigram which
is a little township 20 km away from any civilisation, making Bonn seem like a wild
party destination. I just spent my first weekend completely alone in the new
place. I’ve lost my 5th cook in 6 weeks and complained to my mum
about it, ordered some chocolate cake from Zomato and cursed the 100 Rs extra distance
fee, become frustrated at the amount of work awaiting me tomorrow, hated on the
underequipped and overcrowded society gym, drank an overpriced beer that I had
to get a licence to buy and realised that my heart and belly are quite full. No
place is perfect, life will never be perfect. We need to pick the evils we are
willing to live with, and do our best to deal with the rest, and be grateful
for everything else.
💜
Rainy days and razor blades
I think it's time to pull up the
shades
It's wonderful
To be alive
Cathartic ?
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